rockseize

004 :: mental ascensions - september 22nd, 2024

◦ If you've been attentive, or are just near Me enough, you might've Noticed Me calling Myself an 'Angel' or 'Internet Angel' or something along those lines.
◦ This is not a result of some sort of Delusion, or Episode, but rather, a Revelation.
◦ As you guys are aware, I've returned to High School. It's been stressful. I've had trouble taking the right amount of medications out of frustration of not being able to Focus on My work, I'm working from as soon as I get home to the time when I start preparing to sleep, I've been relapsing left and right, and overall, I don't feel Good.
◦ I've felt utterly human and I loathe it.
◦ But I realize that this isn't normal. The way I hold Myself isnt normal, the way I treat Myself isn't normal, nothing I do is even near the box outlined as 'Normal Behavior,' and I realize that it is because I am, by definition, abnormal.
◦ People don't really perceive ADHD as that much of a deal. When I was younger, I never thought much about how I took drugs every morning for Most of My life.
◦ It is, though. It really is. There's a reason people with other disorders may mistake their symptoms as ADHD. Because when it gets bad, it gets bad.
◦ When I was in the deep parts of My Depression, it was a genuine Hell. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it wasn't enjoyable. That lack of natural dopamine makes My depressive episodes so much Worse.
◦ But I tried to think Myself a normal child. Because I knew I had it better than others. Seeing My friends with Autism, BPD, Anxiety Disorder, and even DID/OSDD made Me think that since I wasn't as ""fucked up"" as them, that meant I was perfectly fine.
◦ But I didn't feel perfectly fine. So I must've just been faking it.
◦ And that's how I felt for years. Guilty because I was just faking what other people around Me experience so intensely and generally.
◦ It's funny. I'm one for seeing nuance in situations, even if I don't want to, but I just couldn't see that I can hold nuance in Myself.
◦ ...I don't know where I was going with this. I think I just started rambling halfway Through..
◦ But anyways, I needed a change since I knew for real I'm not normal. I wasn't sure in what, but changing My typing style and calling Myself an Angel has helped.
◦ I am Uzi/Roxy, the Self - Proclaimed Angel. I doomscroll through Pinterest instead of TikTok, and I slept on clouds with My friends, the Stars. I believe in letting people live as long as they aren't hurting you, and if it's "cringe," even better. Take care of yourself to the best of your ability, and if you think nobody loves you, just Remember...
◦ I do. <3

003 :: late night revival - september 8th, 2024

◦ STAYING ACTIVE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK!!! i like. should hire an assistant to do this for me maybe.. any shut-ins willing to let me yap about my life and write it down for me? i'll pay you in.. uhm.. nevermind. i'm broke!
◦ but anyways, i really thought i'd be getting more active here.. only to become overwhelmed with school the first 3 weeks and fully flop over die. embarrassing..
◦ the jump from 1 ap class a year to 5 classes is very noticeable. even now, i'm writing this entry in place of reading/annotating 7 pages of ap language work.. somebody save my poor soul. i procrastinate too much for this,,,
◦ but to make up for it, i'm listening to the audiobook version of one of the books im supposed to be reading. heheh, i'm a genius, aren't i?
◦ well.. i thought i was. like, seriously, i used to be so sure of myself, and my writing, and my talent, but actually feeling challenged now, and facing people who are better than me has got me feeling.. weird? i guess?
◦ of course, i'm still confident in my ocs and worldbuilding, but what if my writing isn't good enough to be able to showcase my creations properly?? what even is a good writer?? what will it take for me to find out??
◦ being american in a shitty school doesn't help much either. i mean i think i'm good at math and writing and science, but that's just because half the kids in my school gave up trying to understand math in middle school. partly because of the pandemic.. but still.
◦ i'm always wondering, am i a extraordinary student in the midst of a bunch of nobodies, or am i being swept away by the waves of mediocrity as the actual smart kids, the kids lucky enough to afford to take thousands of dollars worth of classes over the summer, the kids who don't crash and burn trying to do multiple extracurriculars, the kids who have support systems in each other and a group of friends with unbreakable bonds, those kids get all the glory they RIGHTFULLY deserve??
◦ but that's a discussion i'm too already stressed out to have. i can't be worrying about how i'm doing compared to everyone else when as far as i know, nobody is doing too hot. my recent physics exam was a hot mess for most people, ap lang is frying my brain slowly, and not being able to change my classes has genuinely been getting to me. computer science is easy, but like. boring. and i've been getting easily irritated, which isn't too good when you're trying to be more positive... so maybe let's just stop focusing on the bad entirely.
◦ YESTERDAY WAS MY BESTIE'S BIRTHDAY! they turned 17, at last!! which is crazy to imagine now because i turned 16 earlier in the year.. SO IN A COUPLE MONTHS, THATLL BE ME! AHHHHHH!!
◦ but i'm getting off topic. i got the prestigious invite to their birthday party! and it was awesome!! i took a shit ton of videos and pictures, and my friend also took a picture of me taking a picture, so talk about pic-ception.. also, we did karaoke together n made [c.ai](http://c.ai/) chat bots argue with each other which was really funny.
◦ i didn't know everyone there, nor did i like everyone there, but i hung out with some of my bestest friends of the recent year, and even if i was totally unmedicated, i felt.. super awesome and #normal. which felt really great :)
◦ i don't go out often besides school/school-related events, nor am i good at setting up hangouts (with my common lack of money/lack of rides and all), so when people invite me places and i don't feel exhausted by it, i appreciate it a lot.
◦ in contrast to how i felt getting home from the party to how i felt getting home from school, there was a biiig difference. and moments like that make me realize that i really am glad to have my irl friends.
◦ trust me, i love my online friends, but sometimes it gets a lil draining, which makes me feel mean to say, but its true. the feeling of having friends that energize you instead of drain you is so invigorating, and after the month i've had, i'm really happy about that.

002 :: first week "recap" - august 16th, 2024

◦ sooo.. it's been a while, huh? that's my bad. but in my defense, even if it was just 3 days, the first week of school was A WHOLE LOT!!
◦ i kept a journal entry to try and keep track of my thoughts the first day, but i quickly got a bit too overwhelmed to worry about that.. welp. luckily, i still remember some things! so while i talk about each of my classes, i'll be here to mention anything that stands out.

first period - computer science

◦ the craziest thing about this class is how i'm sat next to a dude who tried to ask me out my sophomore year. while we were doing an icebreaker activity, i found out that he's eighteen now, and i recently turned sixteen... YUCK!!
◦ but he doesn't seem intent on bothering me, and if it's his senior year(aka about to leave anyways), i won't bother him either. it's still pretty jarring 2 think about, but hey! at least it's a quiet classroom.
◦ the class consists of almost entirely cis men, save for me and this one kid named ren. i think i recognize them from last year at d&d club..? but i left and i'm not gonna bother that kid on it anyways. shrug!
◦ the teacher seems pretty chill! he had no problem referring to me by my actual name (and not my deadname), as well as the ren kid, and apparently he's also a coach for the basketball team. talk about well-rounded!! i only got to talk to him one time this week, because i.. uh.. slept in the second day of school and missed first period.. and as for today, he wasn't in class and we had a substitute teacher instead. i'm not complaining though, she had no clue about the no phone policy, so i got some extra time on my cell!
◦ even if the class mostly consists of dudes (where are my girls/gays/theys in stem!?!?!), they all seem chill for the most part. i kinda regret not taking another ap class, but considering i'm already in five, i think the lack of extra pressure is worth the slightly lower gpa.

second period - ap physics

◦ it's genuinely insane how many of my friends are in this class. like... the whole gang is here!! ish. save for one guy. unfortunately he got put in a different period,, but it's fine! i think.
◦ last year i started connecting with my friends from middle school again, and it's really been great. i'm not the most social person, but just being able to hang out with them through working on assignments together and hanging out at the tutoring club afterschool has been nice. it makes me how life would be like if i grew up with people like them more. in elementary school i hung out with these two boys because they were chronically online just like me.. bad idea!! really shit one!! but i digress. this is about high school now.
◦ the teacher seems nice so far! he warned us that ap physics is about problem solving and not memorization, which somewhat troubles me.. but the initial quiz we took that previewed all the math we'd use for the course was decent enough, and that comforts me a little.
◦ when he annouced that we could take the quiz in groups, everyone grouped around the table with the 'smart kids,' aka me and a friend. i mean, i don't think they reall registered me being there, because i sat with someone else in the midst of the chaos, but still. a little overwhelming.
◦ i didn't mind the math all that much. which makes sense, cuz i love math! being able to remember topics all the way from freshman year was one hell of an ego boost. of course, there were the few i completely bullshitted, like solving in terms of variables, but some that i was able to help others with, like trigonometry and such! ish. i'm not very good at explaining yet.
◦ overall, i'm looking forward to how this course will go. if it's anything like the glimpse i looked into last year when the dance and physics class worked together for a project, we should be reaching for the stars!!

third period.. is coming soon! it's late, and i'm heading to bed now. this will be finished in the morning i'm afraid!

001 :: hell summer ++ juniorhood - august 10th, 2024

◦ hello hello, lovely people of the internet! it's time for my first formal entry of my blog/diary/yap box thing. whatever you wanna call it. there's a couple different topics i wanna get into here, partly because i like talking about myself on the internet, and also just to give context to how my life's been going, and my current mind set.

hell summer

◦ if i told myself in may 2023 about what would happen in may/june 2024, he would not fucking believe me. for a second.
◦ and for good reason! to put a long story short, some insecurities of mine that i shared with someone had been misconstrued by a group of people to be me talking shit about them, and when they finally decided to cut contact with me, i went fucking crazy and paranoid and shit just blew up in everyone's faces. yiiikes.
◦ i still think a lot about it. it felt like the cold war everywhere i went. i had no idea who to trust. for a second i considered just faking my death and starting over but (un)fortunately i am an actual decent person and know better than to just be even more batshit insane in a scenario where i'm already being seen as an idiot.
◦ well.. i try to be a decent person. but then again, the group that did end up sticking by my side kinda got meshed together with a pre-existing friend group, and everyone got bummed out by the constant bickering and drama and unnecessary stress that i was just not helping out with at all.
◦ which i admit, was shitty of me, because i still contributed to that mess! no matter how much i tried to victimize myself, i still had a hand in making things worse, which ended up resulting in the entire group splitting ways. which sucked because they were actually kinda cool.
◦ but anyways,, it's over now, and i'm no longer in contact with a huge chunk of people involved. (except nene and mikey hi guys if ur reading) i've apologized to who i've found it necessary to apologize to, and now i'm just trying to focus on not. thinking about it all the damn time. which is hard. especially because i'm thinking about it right now.
◦ the biggest thing i have an issue with is trying not to make like. extended bonus cut imaginary scenarios. like "oh my god what if i get famous and they try to contact me" or "holy fuck what if all the people who cut contact become friends and try to take me down together" or the occasional "WHAT IF IM ON VACATION AND I SEE THE GIRL I HAD A PLATONIC CRUSH ON" and it's all so embarrassing because bitch. none of that is fucking happening.
◦ but also the idea of those scenarios never really happening is comforting? almost? like it's just me and my imagination and i can rest easy still because they'll never. but they're still in my head for some reason. I Guess.
◦ what got me thinking about this a lot again was the sad boyz episode with brian david glibber I Mean gilbert and ify nwadiwe. (watch um actually!!) ify was talking about how friends should be able to hold each other accountable and be able to take criticism from one another and it made me think about how i treat my friendships like a stan would treat parasocial relationships.
◦ my friends are either always right, no questions asked, or i drop them without another word so i don't look bad. and i recognized that behavior a lot with the shit that went down for me.
◦ everyone stopped talking to me without another word except for one person who chose to message me for my side. and even then, that was with help from a mutual friend. and i appreciate that a lot.
◦ when the second group started to part, i felt comfortable receiving criticism on my behavior and was thankful for it, even if it was from people i wasn't really.. friends with anymore.
◦ i regret not taking steps to be like that myself with people who considered me friends. i had a "halfway out the door" approach with them that they didn't deserve, because that's how i am with a lot of relationships. it's shitty, and i want to improve that.
◦ i regret how i acted this summer, and everyday i think about how things could've gone with those people. how they should've gone. but when i'm grounding myself, i remember that i can't change the past. the best i can do it change my future. and that's what i hope to do.

juniorhood

◦ onto brighter topics, i'm starting junior year next week! i'm returning to school, i'm taking ap classes, i'm gonna hang out with my friends more..
◦ oh yeah and also phones are banned. ..
◦ TO BE MORE SPECIFIC... my district is banning personal devices in place of every student being given a chromebook. i say as i type this on my own chromebook that is perfectly fine.. dickheads.
◦ i'm not a fan. well, nobody is a fan. but my district is known for being ass, unfortunately.. one of the most conservative districts in the state. hooray!!
◦ but shitty school aside.. i'm excited to return to classes. yeah i'm one of those kids who likes school. the structure is easy to navigate, the teachers are. mostly not that bad. and my friends are the best.
◦ i'm not good at keeping in contact with others.. so having classes or lunch together is my best bet for keeping in contact. either that, or instagram probably. like, 2/3s of the student body has instagram. i feel like in highschool, everyone made the migration from being active on discord to being active on instagram, and i'm not complaining.
◦ as i mentioned before, i am taking computer science classes, but honestly, i may switch when school actually comes around. for my endorsement (stem), the amount of classes i'm planning on taking in both math and science would already be enough to get my endorsement twice over. i'm not really in dire need of getting a hold of my cs skills. also, i want to see if i still have a chance of smushing academic decathlon into my schedule, so i don't have to try studying in my own time.. summer school is a hell.
◦ as for my other classes, i'll be on the yearbook team for my third year, aswell as the typical ap classes. ap precalc, ap lang, ap us history, and also.. ap physics and ap chem at the same time.
◦ one of my upperclassmen friends suggested i do it because i couldn't pick between the two.. and now me and her are no longer friends.
◦ (that's not actually related, she just moved friend groups..)
◦ but anyways, i was interested in taking physics for some reason, (i guess the ap teacher was really convincing?) but also i wanted to take ap chemistry because the teacher is this really sweet old lady, and she gives me anime stickers whenever i get a good grade on a test. i cannot ever give that up. i've probably screwed myself over this year.. but that's like, what everyone does this year, right? Right??
◦ but it's alright i believe in myself anyways. i think!
◦ as for extracurricular, i'm joining key club with my friend to help with volunteer hours, as well as resuming my role as an officer for my school's chapter of mu alpha theta. i'm that much of a nerd, yes.
◦ i'm really excited to be doing all of this. not just because of all the shit i can put on my college applications, but because i'm finally starting to feel like i'm putting effort into my school life.
◦ for the longest time, i thought i was falling behind because i didn't join a fuckton of extracurriculars freshman year, and i was only in one ap class both freshman and sophomore year, while i had friends in ap compsci principles and ap psychology. ◦ but now, i feel i'm finally going somewhere. i took a precollege program with rice and got an official certificate of completion for a course in genome editing, and i'm trying to write more to build somewhat of a portfolio for myself.
◦ even if i don't have to do any of this, and there's no such thing as falling behind, i'm still proud of myself. after one hell of a sophomore slump, i'm ready to take on the heat of junior year.

000 :: the beningging - august 8th, 2024

◦ HAHAHAHAHA I FINALLY HAVE MASTERED THE SCROLLING BOX!!! THE DIARY IS FUCKING REAL!!! now to see what i feel like adding to my more section... ermm o_0

◦ genuinely how i feel rn tbh... html is almost entire foreign to me and i've been kinda just winging it on fucking with this template so i'm proud of myself. :3